What better time to start writing about my life then when I have more time on my hands that I don't know what to do with. I have so many thoughts and feelings right now I don't even know where to begin. No one goes through life planning on being told that they have just gotten one of the worst dieseases known to man. Talk about flipping my life upside down and giving me a reality check. I just thought I was in control, haha boy was I wrong. So let's begin my cancer journy here..I can write down my thoughts and feelings and share with... well who ever wants to read it. No problem.
It all began with a bump on my neck that had been there for what, weeks? I wasn't really sure when it got there or when I noticed it. It was just a weird bump that didn't hurt. It was just there. I felt it and ignored it. Weird reaction right? But I'm such a busy person with working between 20 to 25 hours a week and taking 15 hours of school (2 science classes, I mean kill me), plus keeping a very steady social life..I notice a bump, it wierds me out, I ignore it and forget about it. The week of my birthday my mom is gone on vacation and so is dad. I get to play house so I'm kind of loving it and kind of not. I get sick for most the week and I have test after paper after test. Talk about STRESSED. I noticed the bump on my neck again but I heard some where that when you are sick your lymph nodes can swell with an infection or something, not a big deal. I ignore it and forget about it.
A week later i'm in my anatomy class (I know funny class to notice this in right?) and I feel the bump again. Okay Okay, maybe it's time I tell my mom. I remember that afternoon. "O My Gosh mom I have cancer and I'm gonna die" kidding kidding...right? The bump makes me nervous but mom checks it out and says lets just go to the doctor to make sure it's nothing. I was a little worried but by time I get the doctor I've worked it up to be nothing until he feels of it and says, "I think we need to do a biopsy and blood work." Do what!?! Why would we want to do that? Just to make sure it's nothing, and I hate getting needles to take my blood and what not. So he get's another Dr. to look at it and says we can do an ultra sound first. That sounds better so ultra sound it is.
Now I'm a little more nervous. I do the Ultra sound and the nurse says, I would call the Dr. this afternoon. Doesn't sound like good news does it? I get the call from Dr. Martin. I'm scared now, I mean what on earth could this be, what could this mean? He tells me we need a biopsy because other lymph nodes are swollen. So what does it mean...I want to know what on earth this means. His answer, "I don't like to tell people this over the phone but since you asked, I have to tell you. I think it's Hodgkins disease. I know that sounds bad but if we are going to have to deal with a C word this is the best one you can have. Are you okay? I'll have the nurse send you some stress pills to pick up." I get off the phone and start crying even though I have no idea what Hodgkins disease is or what he meant by C word but it sounds bad right? It's time to tell mom, and she say's it means Cancer.
I'm 20 years old, I'm not supposed to be worrying about cancer, and how on earth am I supposed to concentrate on school with all of this? My stress just went way up. I do my needle biopsy and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait for results. It takes forever and waiting is the worst. I just want it confirmed. I feel helpess. I can't go to school or study, can't drop out of school, can't plan ahead to do anything. Just wait for results. I get them back and it is confirmed lymphoma. By now I've accepted that I most likely have cancer, and there it is. At 20 years old I have been diagnosed with Cancer.
At least I can take action now. At least I can move on and do something. I take a medical withdrawal. Some of my friends say wait until you find out how this will affect you. I can't do that. It's lots of surgiers and waiting and I haven't studied in a week. I have missed one test and have 2 more after fall break. How do I handle this kind of stress? I can't and won't. I want to get into OT school which you can only enter in the spring of each year. So there goes those plans, I'm going to be put back in school by at least a year.
I'm going to have to do something with my time and I'm going to need money so I will still work but I've been off for 2 weeks now. Stress and work just doesnt go very well together. I get set up for surgery so we can figure out what type of lymphoma, and i'm told I will most likely have to have another one to get a port put in for kemo..but I can't even get an oncologist until we figure out what type of cancer this is. So more waiting, more test, more surgeries. Just one day at a time, I truely just have to take it one day at a time.
So what have I learned? God has so much more planned for me than I could EVER imagine. My walk with him has not been very close, I was just starting to see Him again and be encouraged by Him again. I am not really that scared or all doom and gloom. I see that He can use me with this. I have a chance to reach others. I know people are watching me. This is scary stuff and I have peace like I have never had before. Thank you God for showing me your grace. This is not the end of the world for me. At least not yet. This most likely won't kill me, but it could. Am I little afraid of this death that could come so much sooner than I had planned? Yes. Am I a little afraid of what is going to happen in the future? Will I get to be a normal college student again, will I keep my hair, am I going to be sick all the time, will I find my one true love before I die?? These things worry me. These thoughts come and go, but I know that I am in God's hands. He gives me strength like no other. If this is what it took to get my attention and if this is how he plans to use me then BRING IT ON. I'm excited actually to see what God is going to do with me. This cancer is a blessing. Yup, I said it..a BLESSING. He is speaking to me and sending me love like I have never felt before. So this is the begining of a very long journy. A walk of courage and strength in Him. Will I always be this strong? I am human so no I won't, but I have faith that my king will carry me through this. I'm ready, so bring on the world.
