Things I have to deal with AFTER cancer

Ive noticed a lot of changes around me lately. My friends lives are changing. Growing. Becoming more and more accomplished and independent in life. I have friends getting their associates degree. Friends moving out of their homes into their own apartments. Friends getting married. Friends getting into nursing school or other competitive fields. Friends having babies. They have good, stable jobs and everything just seems to be going right in life. It seems as if every one is growing up. Everyone is moving forward. That is everyone except me.
I'm a 20 year old (almost 21) college drop out that lives at home with her parents, has a curfew of 11:30, works a 2 hour a day telemarketing job, and cleans house for her boyfriend, boyfriends parents, and her dad. I couldn't pay for my college this semester because I couldn't afford it. I was too late to sign up for Cancer scholarships and the Arkansas academic challenge scholarship didn't have money for me because I am a "non traditional student." I haven't gotten into the college program I was supposed to get into this last spring, instead I have to wait until next spring to attempt to be in the program. In essence, I feel as if everyone around me is growing more independent and accomplishing things in life and I feel like a failure.
Now before anyone starts to try to tell me I'm not a failure and console me because it's not my fault because I had cancer and blah blah blah. I already know all this. I know in my head that this is stupid. That of course it isn't my fault that I had to drop out. It isn't my fault that I had to quit my job. It isn't my fault that I don't make enough money to move out. Or even to pay for college this semester. I know that rationally I shouldn't be upset, or blame myself, or feel like a failure. BUT it doesn't change the fact that I do.
Going through Cancer was actually the easy part for me. I knew what I faced. I knew every day that I was sick and going to the hospital and sitting at home biding my time that I was fighting the disease. I had an excuse. I had a reason to be tired all the time. I had a reason not to be in school, to not have a job. I focused on getting over my disease and that was that. I never realized that I would still be struggling when things where over. I worried people with my fb status about this very thing last week. It's not chemo now that bothers me. I just wasn't prepared for this part of my battle. I guess I just kind of thought that they would say "hey, you're cancer free" and then everything would be back to normal. I didn't know that I still wouldn't have energy. I didn't know that it would be hard to get back to a regular job and into the swing of working again. I didn't know that I would struggle with how much money I needed to save or with the fact that life kept moving around me while my world kind of stoped.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to have a pity party. Look at how lucky i've been. I only went through chemo and radiation for about 6 months of my life. I didn't lose my hair. I didn't have to stay in the hospital over night. I didn't ever get extremely sick. My parents and I didn't struggle to pay my medical bills. I had family, friends, and church family to lean upon. God blessed me in so many ways...and yet I struggle. I just wasn't prepared for this part. I wasn't prepared to see how much it seemed to set me back in life. I wasn't prepared to want to look at God and ask why me? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve all this? How come at 20 years old all of my friends get to grow up and move on and I feel like i've been set back not just one year but 100's of years. Like i'm still waiting for my life to get back on track. I'm still waiting to move forward.
I argue with myself. I fight myself because my heart and my head say two different things. I think of all these things. I feel wronged. I feel hurt. I feel like I may as well still have the disease. But I remember that God does everything for a reason. I remember Job. I remember everything that was taken from him. He did nothing wrong. NOTHING. and he asked God the same questions that I ask now. The answer from God...Were you there when I created the heavens and the earth? I remember these things. I have no right to ask why. I don't know what God has planned. I wasn't there when he created things. I have no reason to doubt that he has more in store for me than I could ever imagine. Great things. My life isn't really in shambles. There are so many others who struggle with so much more than me. Even others my age. I haven't forgotten Kerrie Snyder in my thoughts or prayers. Her struggle will be much worse than mine. Much harder to come back from. Much harder to move forward from. And yet, God has GREAT plans.
In essence, I write this as a way of showing others my inner struggle. This is why I need prayers still. I literally poured my heart out on this page with all of my heart, my thoughts, my struggles, and my feelings. I need to get it out. I wanted others to know. Maybe I can inspire hope in others. Maybe it will remind me that I'm not a failure. Maybe it will help others to continue to pray for me so that I may continue to be reminded that I do have so much to be grateful for. Maybe it will help me to stop throwing a pity party for myself and remind me that God has greater plans.

Blessings

"Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise."

I've been needing to update my blog for a long time now. A very long time. For some reason I couldn't do it. All of a sudden my life was moving in fast pace again and I didn't know what to say exactly or how to say it. Since my last post I found out that I was cancer free. PRAISE GOD! I went through four more chemo treatments and then radiation. I must admit that I went through radiation unexpectedly and as such I was very disappointed and angry. Oh, but the joy. Now I wonder...why did I complain when I had so much to be grateful for?

I couldn't be happier with life right now. Tonight I realized just how blessed I am. I made it through something that some do not. I gained strength, friendship, love, maturity, and wisdom. Even though I was so sure that I was going to make it through this storm...it's almost as if I've been given a second chance at life. The world just doesn't quite look the same.

God has been working in my life. If I'm completely honest my walk with him has almost been non existent lately...and with what I've been going through you would wonder how on earth that could be true? How could I stop spending time with the one that has given me so much. And the answer...I have no idea. What I do know is that HE has been speaking to me and working something in me so wonderful that I can not even say what it is. I don't know what it is. I just know that over the past few weeks my walk has been growing stronger, and the more he works to stir something in me, the more I see how wonderfully blessed I am.

HE has worked to provide two jobs. One job where I have gotten to meet wonderful people and make new friendships, and a job that allows me to work on my time and for people that I deeply care about and who deeply care about me. HE has provided me with someone who will stand by my side and go to church with me and someone that I have no doubt in my mind that HE is working in as much as HE is working in me. HE is also making me an aunt; giving me another part to my family. Someone that I will be able to hold and to love. Another part of my family that will be able to bless me.

I am so blessed. I am so loved. I don't know what God has planned for me in the future. I don't know what it is that he is working to do within me, but I know that I am willing to go. I want more than anything to walk and talk with my father and for him to use me. It's time that I serve. It's time that I stop being so consumed and caught up in this world. For the biggest servant of all, for the one who died for me...for the one who loves me. Now may I serve you, Lord. Thank you. For more blessings than I could ever ask for. Thank you. For all the blessings that I do not deserve. Thank you. for the second chance at life you have given me. Guide me. Use me. My heart is yours, Lord. Thank you.


"What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. And what if trials of this life. The rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise."


"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!" 1 chronicles 16:34

Strength and Understanding

I just finished watching The Last Song and for some reason it really hit me hard. I don't really know why, I really wish someone would have told me that "hey, this could be a movie that isn't easy for you to watch." But no one did and there you go, it wasn't easy. I know that my cancer is "the best you can have" and that I'm most likely going to be okay....but there is always the "what if" factor. I mean, it is kind of scary to think that I may not get to do everything that I've wanted in life. Be successful in a career, get married and have a family. At the same time what greater joy could I have then to be with my King in heaven? I have many mixed emotions.

Through out this whole process I have found grace and strength in God. I was reminded today of someone that looked at me while I was going through what I'm going through and was crying because "I had no idea how strong she was and how much strength she really had." all over a stupid boy that she wasn't even in a relationship with and over the consequences from the decisions she made. Honestly it really makes me mad. How selfish of her, how dare she think that I have no idea. I understand that everyone has their mountains...but if anyone has no idea it would be her. I wake up every morning not knowing how I'll feel that day. Will today be a good day or a bad day? I don't know if I'll wake up with hair on my head or if I'm going to find a huge clump on my pillow. I wake up knowing that my friends are going to school and to work making something of themselves, living their lives like normal people while I'm stuck feeling as if I'm going no where. I can't tell you if the chemo is working because to be quite honest I don't know. I can't tell you if my life has been shortened, I don't know if I'll make it through this or not. I didn't choose this either, this is not something that I planned on happening in my life or a consequence of some bad choice that I made. But I get up every morning smiling and loving. I'm grateful to have another day. I'm grateful that this is just a speed bump in life. That no matter what happens I know I have Christ and he sends me wonderful friends and family who love me and care about me. Who would do anything for me. He gives me my strength in them.

I know that everyone has their mountains. I know everyone has their struggles that they have to deal with, but please...next time you look at your life and you feel that it's in shambles remember that it could always be worse. Remember that you have a God that loves you so much more than you can imagine. Remember that you find your STRENGTH in HIM, and don't ever try to tell someone that they don't understand...because more often then not they understand a lot more than you may think they do.

An update on life

So upon request and demand for a new blog post I am now updating my blog. I don't feel like I have very much to say. The world of Megan is kind of boring to be quite honest. I can't work or go to school so I mainly read, relax, watch t.v. and hang with my oh so wonderful friends.

After my first chemo treatment I got sick on the 4th day. Really, really sick. It was like having the flu, and I was that sick for 3 or 4 days until I went back to the hospital. They gave me nausea medicine and two liters of saline which immediately helped. My second treatment went well, although I didn't feel 100% right afterwards I wasn't just awful. This time I got sick on the 6th day after I took some antibiotic. We are hoping that this is why I got sick the first time and that I won't get so sick again. I guess I will find out Wednesday when I go back for my 3rd chemo treatment.

On another note I still have my hair which is such a blessing. I haven't gone wig shopping yet, every time I've tried to go I've gotten sick. I guess I kind of took it as a sign. Who knows, maybe I will get really lucky and not lose my hair at all. I'm trying not to get my hopes up though.

So with all of this free time on hand and no money to speak of I would kind of like to go back to school. It would be nice to take one or two classes but I don't really see how that's possible with me being in the hospital pretty much all day once a week. Speaking of which, a lot of people want to know how this whole chemo thing works, it pretty simple really. Just A LOT of waiting. I will walk you through a typical chemo day. I start out in the infusion room. I sign in and take a seat where it takes anywhere from 15 to 30 min to call me back. They "access my port" with a needle and draw 3 little viles of blood. Then they leave it in and tape it up and I'm ready to go see my oncologist. At this point I have to wait some more. Usually it is at least an hour before they call me back. They look at my blood counts and make sure I am strong and healthy and ready to go and then it's back down to the infusion room. This time the room is always more crowded with people waiting. Again I have wait at least another hour for them to call me back. When they finally do call me I just get to sit in this big comfy purple chair and wait while the medicine goes into my vain. This is always an hour long process. Just very long and boring. I've included a picture of me receiving treatment. :)

Now you have a little bit more insight into my world and how things are going. Things may not really be going as I planned but God has given me so much strength and grace. I could not continue to move on and be as happy as I am with out Him. Kaleigh asked the question "Are you mad at God?" and my honest answer was "No, how could I be?" He works all things together for His good. This is His plan for me. This is my testimony, and all that I ask is that others may see Him through me. I won't lie and say that every day is easy. I have my day's where I think this is so unfair, why me? Why do I have to go through this? But I remember that it could always be so much worse and I realize just how lucky and blessed I am to have such a wonderful caring home and such wonderful close friends and the BEST church family I could ever ask for. Every day I know I am literally being prayed for by people around the world. How could I ever ask for more?

Well with my update in cancer news comes an update in my blog. I went in on Monday to get my results and lo and behold she said lets starts your chemo today. Talk about a surprise! So here was the news as far as I can understand. I am in stage 2 of the cancer because it is in multiple lymph nodes but it is all contained above my diaphragm. My heart and lungs are in great condition but the chemo can effect this and weaken both areas, hopefully not. I will do my treatments on the 1st and the 15th of every month.

Figuring out that I would get my first treatment on Monday and doing it was kind of a big deal. I started crying but I'm not sure why. I guess I was scared? Being the best friend that she is as soon as I told Anna she came up to the hospital as soon as possible so that she could be there for me. I don't think she realizes just how much it means that without question she is always there for the big stuff. Her support means the world to me. The guy stuck the needle in my port and I just sat there while the drugs went through my body. I guess it isn't exactly what I expected but then again I don't really know what I was expecting. It did hurt a little when he put it in and took it out because it's still sore from surgery but it really wasn't that bad. Now I just wait. I wait for the medicine to work.

They gave me LOTS of nausea pills to help prevent me from getting sick but none of it is guaranteed. So far I haven't felt too bad. I got my nails done after the treatment and started feeling queasy there but not for long. Today I have felt fine for the most part but right now I'm not feeling the greatest. I don't know if it's the chemo or not, and I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. It sucks to not be able to plan ahead because you don't know how things will affect you. I don't have a lot of patience for taking my days one at a time because I'm such a planner.

Speaking of planning I am supposed to lose my hair in about two weeks. As crazy as it sounds this has to be the worst part for me. I would almost rather just have the cancer right now...I mean it doesn't hurt and I still look beautiful. I can remember thinking when I was little that the only thing beautiful about me was my hair. Not that I still believe that but I do know that with out my hair and eyelashes and eyebrows I'm not going to be looking the way I want to. I also have to admit that I'm 20 years old and a part of me still wants to find that special person in my life...and how am I supposed to do that with no hair? So I'm looking for wigs and hoping for the best.

So no lessons to be learned here really today. Just thoughts on everything that's going on. I'm ready to get back to normal now. I hope I don't feel too sick in the next few days and I'm just glad that thanksgiving is right around the corner so that I get to see my family...and that is that. :)

The hardest day yet

Friday was by far the hardest day yet of my cancer journey. They scheduled me to get everything done in this one day. I mean sure I was "getting it over with" but I'm not gonna lie, it was AWFUL. I hated every second of it, and yet I found more love and appreciation for those around me than I ever have before. So get ready, and this is not for the weak... I'm about to walk you through my day.

It started with the surgery to get my port put in. We were all there waiting anxiously for them to call me back. When they finally did they made me go back there all alone. I have never been more nervous in my life. They get everything set up and have a guy come in to tell me exactly what they were going to do (I didn't want to know). Then I get the worst news of all. I'm going to be awake for this operation. I was told the drugs would make me forget, but oh I didn't forget. I remember every part. I felt the sharp sting at the numbing went in. I felt the pressure and heard them cutting me open. The worst part was when they stuck the catheter to my vain in my neck and I could feel the pressure from them connecting it and pushing it up my neck. All I could think is"think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts" as tears ran down my cheek and all I wanted to do was go home.

After this event was over they wheel chaired me to the bone marrow aspiration place. I've heard this hurts and I was scared. This lady came and asked me if I would donate some bone marrow so that they could use it for research. I cried as I told her yes I would. This could help someone else in the future, I had too. My dad went in this room with me. I felt again as she numbed up the area and stuck in the huge needle. "Do you feel the tap tap tap on the bone?" she asked. oh I did and I was scared out of my mind. she had to find the same spot with the needle again. Each time she hit the wrong spot I felt sharp pains and she had to try again. Then came the worst part. She found the spot and said this will be what hurts. I've never felt pain like that in my life as she tore that piece of bone out. I cried like a baby, but the worst was over.

From this point forward my day was not as bad. We should have had a lot of waiting, but I realized more than ever that God was with me when we got to do everything else early and I got to leave by 5. The heart test was easy. They drew blood, put radiation in it and stuck it back in. Then took some pictures. The lung test I just did some breathing exercises. The PET scan was only bad because I was hurting and ready to go home. I sat back there with more radiation going through my body and listened to music until I had to get the imaging done and lay still for 30 min.

At the end of the day I was so grateful that I had those who were there for me. Each person played their own little role in helping me out through out the day. I told my mom that I knew I wouldn't be so strong if it wasn't for my family and friends that have been there for me. This is where God gives me my strength. These people who every day do amazing things for me with out even realizing how much they have done. I couldn't ask for a better support group and I couldn't feel more loved.

Weekest Link

Today was pretty eventful and proved to me that I'm not the same old Megan like I want to be. It was my first day back to work and I can't really say that I was looking forward to it but I know I need the money and I thought it would be good to get back into some routine on things. I felt fine all morning until almost one and all of a sudden I was light headed. I went and set down and got me some water. I would be fine I assured myself and Katy as she asked if I was okay, but then as I tried to get back up and do my job I figured out I wasn't as okay as I wanted to be. I was trying to get some ladies checks out and I had to go sit down again. This time I was afraid I wasn't going to make it to the chair before I fainted, but I made it and I was okay. Every attempt at getting back up and standing for only about five min. made me feel this way. Needless to say I had my step dad pick me up and I went home without finishing my work. I realized when I got home that I only ate a salad last night and a brownie this morning. Used too that wouldn't affect me that bad but I got me something to eat and went to sleep.

I got a call from the nurse to set up my appointment with an oncologist. She scheduled it with Dr. Maddox at 12:30 on Wednesday. I'm supposed to work 11 to cut on Wednesday so I had to get someone to cover my shift. Once again I won't be able to do my job as I had planned. When I talked to the nurse about my episode this morning she said that I'm going to feel fatigued because of the cancer and this is normal. She said I need to eat right and get plenty of sleep. Those 2-3 hour naps plus the 9 hours a night of sleep I've been getting are apparently normal and my body needs it.

I feel like a complete failure at work. I didn't realize this was going to be quite so hard. My step dad thinks that I should take a sabbatical from work for a while and he might be right, I might have to. I don't want to though. This is going to prevent me from having money to go out to eat and hang out with my friends. It also means that my parents will have to take on the responsibility of making my car payments and insurance payments on top of paying for my oncologist and surgery bills. My parents are worried and stressed enough about me as it is. I really don't want them to have extra bills and stress added on to them. However, if I continue to work and feel like this every time I work then it will create more trouble for those that I work with. They don't need someone that can't stand up for too long trying to run around and serve tables.

I'm reminded that as much as I want to tell everyone that I am perfectly okay, I'm not exactly perfectly okay. My body needs much more rest and strength and my life is just plain not normal right now. I have been reading my bible more but I started in Matthew, the lessons God are teaching me there are very interesting. I am reminded by Him that He is still my strength in every way I need. No matter what little trials I seem to be going through now...in a year they may not even matter. Again I am just taking this one day at a time. I'm praying that God continues to show me the right steps to take and only that I have the courage to follow Him in the right direction in every choice I make.