Things I have to deal with AFTER cancer

Ive noticed a lot of changes around me lately. My friends lives are changing. Growing. Becoming more and more accomplished and independent in life. I have friends getting their associates degree. Friends moving out of their homes into their own apartments. Friends getting married. Friends getting into nursing school or other competitive fields. Friends having babies. They have good, stable jobs and everything just seems to be going right in life. It seems as if every one is growing up. Everyone is moving forward. That is everyone except me.
I'm a 20 year old (almost 21) college drop out that lives at home with her parents, has a curfew of 11:30, works a 2 hour a day telemarketing job, and cleans house for her boyfriend, boyfriends parents, and her dad. I couldn't pay for my college this semester because I couldn't afford it. I was too late to sign up for Cancer scholarships and the Arkansas academic challenge scholarship didn't have money for me because I am a "non traditional student." I haven't gotten into the college program I was supposed to get into this last spring, instead I have to wait until next spring to attempt to be in the program. In essence, I feel as if everyone around me is growing more independent and accomplishing things in life and I feel like a failure.
Now before anyone starts to try to tell me I'm not a failure and console me because it's not my fault because I had cancer and blah blah blah. I already know all this. I know in my head that this is stupid. That of course it isn't my fault that I had to drop out. It isn't my fault that I had to quit my job. It isn't my fault that I don't make enough money to move out. Or even to pay for college this semester. I know that rationally I shouldn't be upset, or blame myself, or feel like a failure. BUT it doesn't change the fact that I do.
Going through Cancer was actually the easy part for me. I knew what I faced. I knew every day that I was sick and going to the hospital and sitting at home biding my time that I was fighting the disease. I had an excuse. I had a reason to be tired all the time. I had a reason not to be in school, to not have a job. I focused on getting over my disease and that was that. I never realized that I would still be struggling when things where over. I worried people with my fb status about this very thing last week. It's not chemo now that bothers me. I just wasn't prepared for this part of my battle. I guess I just kind of thought that they would say "hey, you're cancer free" and then everything would be back to normal. I didn't know that I still wouldn't have energy. I didn't know that it would be hard to get back to a regular job and into the swing of working again. I didn't know that I would struggle with how much money I needed to save or with the fact that life kept moving around me while my world kind of stoped.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to have a pity party. Look at how lucky i've been. I only went through chemo and radiation for about 6 months of my life. I didn't lose my hair. I didn't have to stay in the hospital over night. I didn't ever get extremely sick. My parents and I didn't struggle to pay my medical bills. I had family, friends, and church family to lean upon. God blessed me in so many ways...and yet I struggle. I just wasn't prepared for this part. I wasn't prepared to see how much it seemed to set me back in life. I wasn't prepared to want to look at God and ask why me? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve all this? How come at 20 years old all of my friends get to grow up and move on and I feel like i've been set back not just one year but 100's of years. Like i'm still waiting for my life to get back on track. I'm still waiting to move forward.
I argue with myself. I fight myself because my heart and my head say two different things. I think of all these things. I feel wronged. I feel hurt. I feel like I may as well still have the disease. But I remember that God does everything for a reason. I remember Job. I remember everything that was taken from him. He did nothing wrong. NOTHING. and he asked God the same questions that I ask now. The answer from God...Were you there when I created the heavens and the earth? I remember these things. I have no right to ask why. I don't know what God has planned. I wasn't there when he created things. I have no reason to doubt that he has more in store for me than I could ever imagine. Great things. My life isn't really in shambles. There are so many others who struggle with so much more than me. Even others my age. I haven't forgotten Kerrie Snyder in my thoughts or prayers. Her struggle will be much worse than mine. Much harder to come back from. Much harder to move forward from. And yet, God has GREAT plans.
In essence, I write this as a way of showing others my inner struggle. This is why I need prayers still. I literally poured my heart out on this page with all of my heart, my thoughts, my struggles, and my feelings. I need to get it out. I wanted others to know. Maybe I can inspire hope in others. Maybe it will remind me that I'm not a failure. Maybe it will help others to continue to pray for me so that I may continue to be reminded that I do have so much to be grateful for. Maybe it will help me to stop throwing a pity party for myself and remind me that God has greater plans.

Blessings

"Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise."

I've been needing to update my blog for a long time now. A very long time. For some reason I couldn't do it. All of a sudden my life was moving in fast pace again and I didn't know what to say exactly or how to say it. Since my last post I found out that I was cancer free. PRAISE GOD! I went through four more chemo treatments and then radiation. I must admit that I went through radiation unexpectedly and as such I was very disappointed and angry. Oh, but the joy. Now I wonder...why did I complain when I had so much to be grateful for?

I couldn't be happier with life right now. Tonight I realized just how blessed I am. I made it through something that some do not. I gained strength, friendship, love, maturity, and wisdom. Even though I was so sure that I was going to make it through this storm...it's almost as if I've been given a second chance at life. The world just doesn't quite look the same.

God has been working in my life. If I'm completely honest my walk with him has almost been non existent lately...and with what I've been going through you would wonder how on earth that could be true? How could I stop spending time with the one that has given me so much. And the answer...I have no idea. What I do know is that HE has been speaking to me and working something in me so wonderful that I can not even say what it is. I don't know what it is. I just know that over the past few weeks my walk has been growing stronger, and the more he works to stir something in me, the more I see how wonderfully blessed I am.

HE has worked to provide two jobs. One job where I have gotten to meet wonderful people and make new friendships, and a job that allows me to work on my time and for people that I deeply care about and who deeply care about me. HE has provided me with someone who will stand by my side and go to church with me and someone that I have no doubt in my mind that HE is working in as much as HE is working in me. HE is also making me an aunt; giving me another part to my family. Someone that I will be able to hold and to love. Another part of my family that will be able to bless me.

I am so blessed. I am so loved. I don't know what God has planned for me in the future. I don't know what it is that he is working to do within me, but I know that I am willing to go. I want more than anything to walk and talk with my father and for him to use me. It's time that I serve. It's time that I stop being so consumed and caught up in this world. For the biggest servant of all, for the one who died for me...for the one who loves me. Now may I serve you, Lord. Thank you. For more blessings than I could ever ask for. Thank you. For all the blessings that I do not deserve. Thank you. for the second chance at life you have given me. Guide me. Use me. My heart is yours, Lord. Thank you.


"What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. And what if trials of this life. The rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise."


"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!" 1 chronicles 16:34

Strength and Understanding

I just finished watching The Last Song and for some reason it really hit me hard. I don't really know why, I really wish someone would have told me that "hey, this could be a movie that isn't easy for you to watch." But no one did and there you go, it wasn't easy. I know that my cancer is "the best you can have" and that I'm most likely going to be okay....but there is always the "what if" factor. I mean, it is kind of scary to think that I may not get to do everything that I've wanted in life. Be successful in a career, get married and have a family. At the same time what greater joy could I have then to be with my King in heaven? I have many mixed emotions.

Through out this whole process I have found grace and strength in God. I was reminded today of someone that looked at me while I was going through what I'm going through and was crying because "I had no idea how strong she was and how much strength she really had." all over a stupid boy that she wasn't even in a relationship with and over the consequences from the decisions she made. Honestly it really makes me mad. How selfish of her, how dare she think that I have no idea. I understand that everyone has their mountains...but if anyone has no idea it would be her. I wake up every morning not knowing how I'll feel that day. Will today be a good day or a bad day? I don't know if I'll wake up with hair on my head or if I'm going to find a huge clump on my pillow. I wake up knowing that my friends are going to school and to work making something of themselves, living their lives like normal people while I'm stuck feeling as if I'm going no where. I can't tell you if the chemo is working because to be quite honest I don't know. I can't tell you if my life has been shortened, I don't know if I'll make it through this or not. I didn't choose this either, this is not something that I planned on happening in my life or a consequence of some bad choice that I made. But I get up every morning smiling and loving. I'm grateful to have another day. I'm grateful that this is just a speed bump in life. That no matter what happens I know I have Christ and he sends me wonderful friends and family who love me and care about me. Who would do anything for me. He gives me my strength in them.

I know that everyone has their mountains. I know everyone has their struggles that they have to deal with, but please...next time you look at your life and you feel that it's in shambles remember that it could always be worse. Remember that you have a God that loves you so much more than you can imagine. Remember that you find your STRENGTH in HIM, and don't ever try to tell someone that they don't understand...because more often then not they understand a lot more than you may think they do.