An update on life

So upon request and demand for a new blog post I am now updating my blog. I don't feel like I have very much to say. The world of Megan is kind of boring to be quite honest. I can't work or go to school so I mainly read, relax, watch t.v. and hang with my oh so wonderful friends.

After my first chemo treatment I got sick on the 4th day. Really, really sick. It was like having the flu, and I was that sick for 3 or 4 days until I went back to the hospital. They gave me nausea medicine and two liters of saline which immediately helped. My second treatment went well, although I didn't feel 100% right afterwards I wasn't just awful. This time I got sick on the 6th day after I took some antibiotic. We are hoping that this is why I got sick the first time and that I won't get so sick again. I guess I will find out Wednesday when I go back for my 3rd chemo treatment.

On another note I still have my hair which is such a blessing. I haven't gone wig shopping yet, every time I've tried to go I've gotten sick. I guess I kind of took it as a sign. Who knows, maybe I will get really lucky and not lose my hair at all. I'm trying not to get my hopes up though.

So with all of this free time on hand and no money to speak of I would kind of like to go back to school. It would be nice to take one or two classes but I don't really see how that's possible with me being in the hospital pretty much all day once a week. Speaking of which, a lot of people want to know how this whole chemo thing works, it pretty simple really. Just A LOT of waiting. I will walk you through a typical chemo day. I start out in the infusion room. I sign in and take a seat where it takes anywhere from 15 to 30 min to call me back. They "access my port" with a needle and draw 3 little viles of blood. Then they leave it in and tape it up and I'm ready to go see my oncologist. At this point I have to wait some more. Usually it is at least an hour before they call me back. They look at my blood counts and make sure I am strong and healthy and ready to go and then it's back down to the infusion room. This time the room is always more crowded with people waiting. Again I have wait at least another hour for them to call me back. When they finally do call me I just get to sit in this big comfy purple chair and wait while the medicine goes into my vain. This is always an hour long process. Just very long and boring. I've included a picture of me receiving treatment. :)

Now you have a little bit more insight into my world and how things are going. Things may not really be going as I planned but God has given me so much strength and grace. I could not continue to move on and be as happy as I am with out Him. Kaleigh asked the question "Are you mad at God?" and my honest answer was "No, how could I be?" He works all things together for His good. This is His plan for me. This is my testimony, and all that I ask is that others may see Him through me. I won't lie and say that every day is easy. I have my day's where I think this is so unfair, why me? Why do I have to go through this? But I remember that it could always be so much worse and I realize just how lucky and blessed I am to have such a wonderful caring home and such wonderful close friends and the BEST church family I could ever ask for. Every day I know I am literally being prayed for by people around the world. How could I ever ask for more?

Well with my update in cancer news comes an update in my blog. I went in on Monday to get my results and lo and behold she said lets starts your chemo today. Talk about a surprise! So here was the news as far as I can understand. I am in stage 2 of the cancer because it is in multiple lymph nodes but it is all contained above my diaphragm. My heart and lungs are in great condition but the chemo can effect this and weaken both areas, hopefully not. I will do my treatments on the 1st and the 15th of every month.

Figuring out that I would get my first treatment on Monday and doing it was kind of a big deal. I started crying but I'm not sure why. I guess I was scared? Being the best friend that she is as soon as I told Anna she came up to the hospital as soon as possible so that she could be there for me. I don't think she realizes just how much it means that without question she is always there for the big stuff. Her support means the world to me. The guy stuck the needle in my port and I just sat there while the drugs went through my body. I guess it isn't exactly what I expected but then again I don't really know what I was expecting. It did hurt a little when he put it in and took it out because it's still sore from surgery but it really wasn't that bad. Now I just wait. I wait for the medicine to work.

They gave me LOTS of nausea pills to help prevent me from getting sick but none of it is guaranteed. So far I haven't felt too bad. I got my nails done after the treatment and started feeling queasy there but not for long. Today I have felt fine for the most part but right now I'm not feeling the greatest. I don't know if it's the chemo or not, and I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. It sucks to not be able to plan ahead because you don't know how things will affect you. I don't have a lot of patience for taking my days one at a time because I'm such a planner.

Speaking of planning I am supposed to lose my hair in about two weeks. As crazy as it sounds this has to be the worst part for me. I would almost rather just have the cancer right now...I mean it doesn't hurt and I still look beautiful. I can remember thinking when I was little that the only thing beautiful about me was my hair. Not that I still believe that but I do know that with out my hair and eyelashes and eyebrows I'm not going to be looking the way I want to. I also have to admit that I'm 20 years old and a part of me still wants to find that special person in my life...and how am I supposed to do that with no hair? So I'm looking for wigs and hoping for the best.

So no lessons to be learned here really today. Just thoughts on everything that's going on. I'm ready to get back to normal now. I hope I don't feel too sick in the next few days and I'm just glad that thanksgiving is right around the corner so that I get to see my family...and that is that. :)

The hardest day yet

Friday was by far the hardest day yet of my cancer journey. They scheduled me to get everything done in this one day. I mean sure I was "getting it over with" but I'm not gonna lie, it was AWFUL. I hated every second of it, and yet I found more love and appreciation for those around me than I ever have before. So get ready, and this is not for the weak... I'm about to walk you through my day.

It started with the surgery to get my port put in. We were all there waiting anxiously for them to call me back. When they finally did they made me go back there all alone. I have never been more nervous in my life. They get everything set up and have a guy come in to tell me exactly what they were going to do (I didn't want to know). Then I get the worst news of all. I'm going to be awake for this operation. I was told the drugs would make me forget, but oh I didn't forget. I remember every part. I felt the sharp sting at the numbing went in. I felt the pressure and heard them cutting me open. The worst part was when they stuck the catheter to my vain in my neck and I could feel the pressure from them connecting it and pushing it up my neck. All I could think is"think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts" as tears ran down my cheek and all I wanted to do was go home.

After this event was over they wheel chaired me to the bone marrow aspiration place. I've heard this hurts and I was scared. This lady came and asked me if I would donate some bone marrow so that they could use it for research. I cried as I told her yes I would. This could help someone else in the future, I had too. My dad went in this room with me. I felt again as she numbed up the area and stuck in the huge needle. "Do you feel the tap tap tap on the bone?" she asked. oh I did and I was scared out of my mind. she had to find the same spot with the needle again. Each time she hit the wrong spot I felt sharp pains and she had to try again. Then came the worst part. She found the spot and said this will be what hurts. I've never felt pain like that in my life as she tore that piece of bone out. I cried like a baby, but the worst was over.

From this point forward my day was not as bad. We should have had a lot of waiting, but I realized more than ever that God was with me when we got to do everything else early and I got to leave by 5. The heart test was easy. They drew blood, put radiation in it and stuck it back in. Then took some pictures. The lung test I just did some breathing exercises. The PET scan was only bad because I was hurting and ready to go home. I sat back there with more radiation going through my body and listened to music until I had to get the imaging done and lay still for 30 min.

At the end of the day I was so grateful that I had those who were there for me. Each person played their own little role in helping me out through out the day. I told my mom that I knew I wouldn't be so strong if it wasn't for my family and friends that have been there for me. This is where God gives me my strength. These people who every day do amazing things for me with out even realizing how much they have done. I couldn't ask for a better support group and I couldn't feel more loved.

Weekest Link

Today was pretty eventful and proved to me that I'm not the same old Megan like I want to be. It was my first day back to work and I can't really say that I was looking forward to it but I know I need the money and I thought it would be good to get back into some routine on things. I felt fine all morning until almost one and all of a sudden I was light headed. I went and set down and got me some water. I would be fine I assured myself and Katy as she asked if I was okay, but then as I tried to get back up and do my job I figured out I wasn't as okay as I wanted to be. I was trying to get some ladies checks out and I had to go sit down again. This time I was afraid I wasn't going to make it to the chair before I fainted, but I made it and I was okay. Every attempt at getting back up and standing for only about five min. made me feel this way. Needless to say I had my step dad pick me up and I went home without finishing my work. I realized when I got home that I only ate a salad last night and a brownie this morning. Used too that wouldn't affect me that bad but I got me something to eat and went to sleep.

I got a call from the nurse to set up my appointment with an oncologist. She scheduled it with Dr. Maddox at 12:30 on Wednesday. I'm supposed to work 11 to cut on Wednesday so I had to get someone to cover my shift. Once again I won't be able to do my job as I had planned. When I talked to the nurse about my episode this morning she said that I'm going to feel fatigued because of the cancer and this is normal. She said I need to eat right and get plenty of sleep. Those 2-3 hour naps plus the 9 hours a night of sleep I've been getting are apparently normal and my body needs it.

I feel like a complete failure at work. I didn't realize this was going to be quite so hard. My step dad thinks that I should take a sabbatical from work for a while and he might be right, I might have to. I don't want to though. This is going to prevent me from having money to go out to eat and hang out with my friends. It also means that my parents will have to take on the responsibility of making my car payments and insurance payments on top of paying for my oncologist and surgery bills. My parents are worried and stressed enough about me as it is. I really don't want them to have extra bills and stress added on to them. However, if I continue to work and feel like this every time I work then it will create more trouble for those that I work with. They don't need someone that can't stand up for too long trying to run around and serve tables.

I'm reminded that as much as I want to tell everyone that I am perfectly okay, I'm not exactly perfectly okay. My body needs much more rest and strength and my life is just plain not normal right now. I have been reading my bible more but I started in Matthew, the lessons God are teaching me there are very interesting. I am reminded by Him that He is still my strength in every way I need. No matter what little trials I seem to be going through now...in a year they may not even matter. Again I am just taking this one day at a time. I'm praying that God continues to show me the right steps to take and only that I have the courage to follow Him in the right direction in every choice I make.

Cancer?

What better time to start writing about my life then when I have more time on my hands that I don't know what to do with. I have so many thoughts and feelings right now I don't even know where to begin. No one goes through life planning on being told that they have just gotten one of the worst dieseases known to man. Talk about flipping my life upside down and giving me a reality check. I just thought I was in control, haha boy was I wrong. So let's begin my cancer journy here..I can write down my thoughts and feelings and share with... well who ever wants to read it. No problem.

It all began with a bump on my neck that had been there for what, weeks? I wasn't really sure when it got there or when I noticed it. It was just a weird bump that didn't hurt. It was just there. I felt it and ignored it. Weird reaction right? But I'm such a busy person with working between 20 to 25 hours a week and taking 15 hours of school (2 science classes, I mean kill me), plus keeping a very steady social life..I notice a bump, it wierds me out, I ignore it and forget about it. The week of my birthday my mom is gone on vacation and so is dad. I get to play house so I'm kind of loving it and kind of not. I get sick for most the week and I have test after paper after test. Talk about STRESSED. I noticed the bump on my neck again but I heard some where that when you are sick your lymph nodes can swell with an infection or something, not a big deal. I ignore it and forget about it.

A week later i'm in my anatomy class (I know funny class to notice this in right?) and I feel the bump again. Okay Okay, maybe it's time I tell my mom. I remember that afternoon. "O My Gosh mom I have cancer and I'm gonna die" kidding kidding...right? The bump makes me nervous but mom checks it out and says lets just go to the doctor to make sure it's nothing. I was a little worried but by time I get the doctor I've worked it up to be nothing until he feels of it and says, "I think we need to do a biopsy and blood work." Do what!?! Why would we want to do that? Just to make sure it's nothing, and I hate getting needles to take my blood and what not. So he get's another Dr. to look at it and says we can do an ultra sound first. That sounds better so ultra sound it is.

Now I'm a little more nervous. I do the Ultra sound and the nurse says, I would call the Dr. this afternoon. Doesn't sound like good news does it? I get the call from Dr. Martin. I'm scared now, I mean what on earth could this be, what could this mean? He tells me we need a biopsy because other lymph nodes are swollen. So what does it mean...I want to know what on earth this means. His answer, "I don't like to tell people this over the phone but since you asked, I have to tell you. I think it's Hodgkins disease. I know that sounds bad but if we are going to have to deal with a C word this is the best one you can have. Are you okay? I'll have the nurse send you some stress pills to pick up." I get off the phone and start crying even though I have no idea what Hodgkins disease is or what he meant by C word but it sounds bad right? It's time to tell mom, and she say's it means Cancer.

I'm 20 years old, I'm not supposed to be worrying about cancer, and how on earth am I supposed to concentrate on school with all of this? My stress just went way up. I do my needle biopsy and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait for results. It takes forever and waiting is the worst. I just want it confirmed. I feel helpess. I can't go to school or study, can't drop out of school, can't plan ahead to do anything. Just wait for results. I get them back and it is confirmed lymphoma. By now I've accepted that I most likely have cancer, and there it is. At 20 years old I have been diagnosed with Cancer.

At least I can take action now. At least I can move on and do something. I take a medical withdrawal. Some of my friends say wait until you find out how this will affect you. I can't do that. It's lots of surgiers and waiting and I haven't studied in a week. I have missed one test and have 2 more after fall break. How do I handle this kind of stress? I can't and won't. I want to get into OT school which you can only enter in the spring of each year. So there goes those plans, I'm going to be put back in school by at least a year.

I'm going to have to do something with my time and I'm going to need money so I will still work but I've been off for 2 weeks now. Stress and work just doesnt go very well together. I get set up for surgery so we can figure out what type of lymphoma, and i'm told I will most likely have to have another one to get a port put in for kemo..but I can't even get an oncologist until we figure out what type of cancer this is. So more waiting, more test, more surgeries. Just one day at a time, I truely just have to take it one day at a time.

So what have I learned? God has so much more planned for me than I could EVER imagine. My walk with him has not been very close, I was just starting to see Him again and be encouraged by Him again. I am not really that scared or all doom and gloom. I see that He can use me with this. I have a chance to reach others. I know people are watching me. This is scary stuff and I have peace like I have never had before. Thank you God for showing me your grace. This is not the end of the world for me. At least not yet. This most likely won't kill me, but it could. Am I little afraid of this death that could come so much sooner than I had planned? Yes. Am I a little afraid of what is going to happen in the future? Will I get to be a normal college student again, will I keep my hair, am I going to be sick all the time, will I find my one true love before I die?? These things worry me. These thoughts come and go, but I know that I am in God's hands. He gives me strength like no other. If this is what it took to get my attention and if this is how he plans to use me then BRING IT ON. I'm excited actually to see what God is going to do with me. This cancer is a blessing. Yup, I said it..a BLESSING. He is speaking to me and sending me love like I have never felt before. So this is the begining of a very long journy. A walk of courage and strength in Him. Will I always be this strong? I am human so no I won't, but I have faith that my king will carry me through this. I'm ready, so bring on the world.