I just finished watching The Last Song and for some reason it really hit me hard. I don't really know why, I really wish someone would have told me that "hey, this could be a movie that isn't easy for you to watch." But no one did and there you go, it wasn't easy. I know that my cancer is "the best you can have" and that I'm most likely going to be okay....but there is always the "what if" factor. I mean, it is kind of scary to think that I may not get to do everything that I've wanted in life. Be successful in a career, get married and have a family. At the same time what greater joy could I have then to be with my King in heaven? I have many mixed emotions.
Through out this whole process I have found grace and strength in God. I was reminded today of someone that looked at me while I was going through what I'm going through and was crying because "I had no idea how strong she was and how much strength she really had." all over a stupid boy that she wasn't even in a relationship with and over the consequences from the decisions she made. Honestly it really makes me mad. How selfish of her, how dare she think that I have no idea. I understand that everyone has their mountains...but if anyone has no idea it would be her. I wake up every morning not knowing how I'll feel that day. Will today be a good day or a bad day? I don't know if I'll wake up with hair on my head or if I'm going to find a huge clump on my pillow. I wake up knowing that my friends are going to school and to work making something of themselves, living their lives like normal people while I'm stuck feeling as if I'm going no where. I can't tell you if the chemo is working because to be quite honest I don't know. I can't tell you if my life has been shortened, I don't know if I'll make it through this or not. I didn't choose this either, this is not something that I planned on happening in my life or a consequence of some bad choice that I made. But I get up every morning smiling and loving. I'm grateful to have another day. I'm grateful that this is just a speed bump in life. That no matter what happens I know I have Christ and he sends me wonderful friends and family who love me and care about me. Who would do anything for me. He gives me my strength in them.
I know that everyone has their mountains. I know everyone has their struggles that they have to deal with, but please...next time you look at your life and you feel that it's in shambles remember that it could always be worse. Remember that you have a God that loves you so much more than you can imagine. Remember that you find your STRENGTH in HIM, and don't ever try to tell someone that they don't understand...because more often then not they understand a lot more than you may think they do.
Megan, the depth of your faith is very humbling! I honestly don't know if I could deal with your life as well as you are.
ReplyDelete"I'm stuck feeling as if I'm going no where". Sweetie, you are going somewhere. You are going where not many can go. You are walking with your Father God, minute by minute, total trust that He is in control and will bring you through it. That is far, far more important than "going to school and to work making something of themselves, living their lives like normal people".
You are more than ordinary and it is showing by how you are dealing with the cancer. Can you not see the WHY in this? What better example of the love and power of God than one of His beautiful creations living her live like you are? You are not doom and gloom and misery. You are acknowledging the fear and uncertainity, but at the same time you are openly turning it all over to God to handle! HE loves it!
Continue on the path you are on. He WILL bring you through it. YOU are His living testament to his power and love. You WILL be a living testament to His faithfulness to His children.
Jay
Thank you Jay...that is just what I needed to hear :)
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