Ive noticed a lot of changes around me lately. My friends lives are changing. Growing. Becoming more and more accomplished and independent in life. I have friends getting their associates degree. Friends moving out of their homes into their own apartments. Friends getting married. Friends getting into nursing school or other competitive fields. Friends having babies. They have good, stable jobs and everything just seems to be going right in life. It seems as if every one is growing up. Everyone is moving forward. That is everyone except me.
I'm a 20 year old (almost 21) college drop out that lives at home with her parents, has a curfew of 11:30, works a 2 hour a day telemarketing job, and cleans house for her boyfriend, boyfriends parents, and her dad. I couldn't pay for my college this semester because I couldn't afford it. I was too late to sign up for Cancer scholarships and the Arkansas academic challenge scholarship didn't have money for me because I am a "non traditional student." I haven't gotten into the college program I was supposed to get into this last spring, instead I have to wait until next spring to attempt to be in the program. In essence, I feel as if everyone around me is growing more independent and accomplishing things in life and I feel like a failure.
Now before anyone starts to try to tell me I'm not a failure and console me because it's not my fault because I had cancer and blah blah blah. I already know all this. I know in my head that this is stupid. That of course it isn't my fault that I had to drop out. It isn't my fault that I had to quit my job. It isn't my fault that I don't make enough money to move out. Or even to pay for college this semester. I know that rationally I shouldn't be upset, or blame myself, or feel like a failure. BUT it doesn't change the fact that I do.
Going through Cancer was actually the easy part for me. I knew what I faced. I knew every day that I was sick and going to the hospital and sitting at home biding my time that I was fighting the disease. I had an excuse. I had a reason to be tired all the time. I had a reason not to be in school, to not have a job. I focused on getting over my disease and that was that. I never realized that I would still be struggling when things where over. I worried people with my fb status about this very thing last week. It's not chemo now that bothers me. I just wasn't prepared for this part of my battle. I guess I just kind of thought that they would say "hey, you're cancer free" and then everything would be back to normal. I didn't know that I still wouldn't have energy. I didn't know that it would be hard to get back to a regular job and into the swing of working again. I didn't know that I would struggle with how much money I needed to save or with the fact that life kept moving around me while my world kind of stoped.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to have a pity party. Look at how lucky i've been. I only went through chemo and radiation for about 6 months of my life. I didn't lose my hair. I didn't have to stay in the hospital over night. I didn't ever get extremely sick. My parents and I didn't struggle to pay my medical bills. I had family, friends, and church family to lean upon. God blessed me in so many ways...and yet I struggle. I just wasn't prepared for this part. I wasn't prepared to see how much it seemed to set me back in life. I wasn't prepared to want to look at God and ask why me? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve all this? How come at 20 years old all of my friends get to grow up and move on and I feel like i've been set back not just one year but 100's of years. Like i'm still waiting for my life to get back on track. I'm still waiting to move forward.
I argue with myself. I fight myself because my heart and my head say two different things. I think of all these things. I feel wronged. I feel hurt. I feel like I may as well still have the disease. But I remember that God does everything for a reason. I remember Job. I remember everything that was taken from him. He did nothing wrong. NOTHING. and he asked God the same questions that I ask now. The answer from God...Were you there when I created the heavens and the earth? I remember these things. I have no right to ask why. I don't know what God has planned. I wasn't there when he created things. I have no reason to doubt that he has more in store for me than I could ever imagine. Great things. My life isn't really in shambles. There are so many others who struggle with so much more than me. Even others my age. I haven't forgotten Kerrie Snyder in my thoughts or prayers. Her struggle will be much worse than mine. Much harder to come back from. Much harder to move forward from. And yet, God has GREAT plans.
In essence, I write this as a way of showing others my inner struggle. This is why I need prayers still. I literally poured my heart out on this page with all of my heart, my thoughts, my struggles, and my feelings. I need to get it out. I wanted others to know. Maybe I can inspire hope in others. Maybe it will remind me that I'm not a failure. Maybe it will help others to continue to pray for me so that I may continue to be reminded that I do have so much to be grateful for. Maybe it will help me to stop throwing a pity party for myself and remind me that God has greater plans.
No comments:
Post a Comment